There WAS always a choice...

One thing I learned in the last 7 years, in every game of chess, there is always an opponent, and there is always a victim the trick is to know when you’re the victim, so you know when you become, the hunter...And here is the cause and effect. Don’t like to feel trapped, never did, never will, why should a man do, what he doesn't like to do? There’s always a choice, what’s wrong with mine? Now, I’ve got to spend the next period shaking, and sweating, like a crackwhore clacking for a fix... should have taken my choice...cause it's getting very... very... tight in here. The harder the battle, the sweeter the victory. A wise man once told me, there's only one rule in this world. A small question that drives all success...The more a man invests in that question, the more powerful that man will become. Can you guess what that question is? WHAT’S ... IN.... IT...FOR ... ME?! So what's in it for me? You got a big mouth on a small head sunshine...30 seconds and you can be on your way. I don't think so, not today. If there is one thing I learned about experts, it's that they're experts at fuck all, if there's a rule, you can bend it, if there's a law, you can break it, from now on, I’m breaking all the rules, because desperate man, do desperate deeds. We are...and I apologize for the unnecessarily dramatic monocure, lone sharks, people hate and fear us, lust like YOU will learn to hate and fear us, we know how much you love a dollar bill, and it won’t be easy watching them fall through your hands, because it will be your money, that we'll be loaning...Don't say a word. Maybe I am being conned, maybe i am being fooled. They say the sentence has been passed, the certificate tied, so what's the point? The point is, this is the only option, if you snap those fingers at me again, I’ll fucking break them. It’s a strange thing but, I still don't like to give it away. I know i can't take it with me, so why the pain? Why the fuck, does it still hurt? And looking at the face of these to shits doesn’t make it any easier. What did i sign up for? I try to make sense out of it, not now, cause it doesn't make sense just know if you start a job, then finish it!

There is something about yourself that you don’t know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it’s to late to do anything about it. It’s the only reason you get up in the morning, only reason you suffer the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever… you really are. Fear or revere me, but pleaseeee… think I’m special. We share an addiction, we’re approval junkies, we’re all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch, the hip-hip-hoo-fucking-raw, look at the clever kid with the badge, polishing his trophy , shine on you crazy diamond…Because we’re just monkeys, wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others. If we knew this then we wouldn’t do this, someone is hiding it from us, and, if you had a second chance you would ask … Why? Why am I still alive? Ahhh… I know you’re still there, cause I can feel you dying, I can hear you, tapping me for a little nutrition, like those clacking for a fix, it gets a little tight in here… well , you’re not wrong, cause the walls are moving in… no food here, not today sunshine…my eyes are opened and the restaurant is closed, jog on, slide off, find someone else to fill your pipe, someone who won’t see you coming, or know, when you’re there… Look at me honey… You like to play silly games with my head, don’t you? You don’t play by the rules…I’m a fucking survivor, I’m a winner, shut up and leave me alone, it choses it's hiding place very carefully, I can’t let it kill me, you’re weak, it’s too late, you’re a dead man anyway, you’ll be dead before you fall, black magic, no one gets away, get control of yourself, it’s anything but under control, isn’t it? It’s going to kill me, it’ll kill me, where’s your pride? WHERE’S YOUR PRIDE? I’d rather kill myself, than let it kill me… why isn’t it scared? It’s just staring at me…I’m a dead man….can it? It’ can’t kill a dead man can it? You can’t even do it, can you?

The greatest scam, that he ever pulled, was making you believe, that you… are him…

When you’re winning, who thinks about losing? But when you’re faced with what I’m looking at, a new and cold reality dawns, a fact that we like to ignore, you can not win, the only prize they guarantee when you do play this game, is that you will lose. It’s only a question, of when? (You only get smarter by playing a smarter opponent (Fundamentals of chess 1833))

Why is it dragging this on? It can just clean me out in one hit…It wants me to suffer. This twisted bastard is making me pay, pay for my own pain… and hence this is the most radical concept I ever heard of… a part of me dies every time I think about it. Keep telling myself, this is my last round…you can tear me up piece by piece, but this, I can’t take, it found a weakness…caught me fair and square, cross hands, blind folded, one foot in the grave and two hands on the coffin, I’m cooked, well done, stick a fork in me and see if bleed…Check mate… I’m stuck, in a trance, somewhere, between hell and a hard place, and a gear that doesn’t exist, and what I want now, is a little piece of…

Vagaries of perception

Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or truth? Perhaps peace could it be for love? Illusions! Vagaries of perception! Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify a existence that is without meaning or purpose, and all of them as artificial as words them self! Although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love! You must be able to see it, you must know it by now, you can't win, it's pointless to continue fighting…Why? Why?! Why do you persist!?!Wait…I've seen this…This is the end…yes… You we're laying right there, just like that…and I… I stand here…Right here… And I'm suppose to say something…let me see…. Everything that has a beginning has a end…What? What did I just say?!No… This isn't right… This can't be right!

Ruperi de echilibru...

O violenta suferinta morala poate cauza intamplari teribile si neasteptate. Explicatia se afla in faptul ca durerea ia proportiile unui eveniment real. Daca acest eveniment este limitat in timp (trecator) durerea este suportabila. Dar o durere nesfarsita devine cugetare, stare obsesiva, dominand spiritul si memoria afectiva. Sfarsitul unei asemenea stari este ruperea echilibrului, dezorganizarea, dezintegrarea constienta sau inconstienta...

Vazuta de departe si de sus, viata fiecarui om, in intregul lui si in ceea ce il caracterizeaza, se prezinta totdeauna ca un spectacol dramatic; luata in amanunt, ea are caracterul unei comedii.Dorintele nesatisfacute, sperantele nerealizate, greselile intregii vieti, suferinta sfarsind in moarte sunt o tragedie. Existenta umana cuprinde toate nefericirile unei tragedii, fara ca omul sa poata atinge demnitatea personajelor tragice. Omul este nevoit sa atinga tragicul parcurgind deci etape comice. Cum s-ar spune, amanuntele ne fac ridicoli.Istoria popoarelor nu este deci o insiruire de razboaie si revolutii. Anii de pace sunt pauze scurte intre acte risipite. Nu este o metafora cand spunem ca viata fiecarui om este o lupta continua, cu mizeria, cu plictiseala, cu semenii sai, cu realitatea. Omul gaseste adversari pretutindeni si moare cu armele in miini. Dar existenta noastra nu este posibila fara toate acestea. Fara presiunea exercitata de atmosfera corpul plesneste; tot asa, lipsa durerii, mizeriei, a necazurilor si nevoilor de tot felul ar provoca o crestere nemasurata a orgoliului frizand extravaganta. Oricare om are nevoie de griji, de mizerie, de durere, asa cum nava are nevoie de balast pentru a pluti singura si drept catre tinta.

The Mask.

Please Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them are me.I give the impression that I am secure, and all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name...that the waters are calm and I am in command. But don't believe me, please. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath this lies real me in confusion, in fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind...to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation. And I know it. That is, if it is only followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. It is the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I am worth something. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you try to understand and because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask. You alone can release me from my shadow world.